What I Mean When I Say "Misfit"

An Invitation to the COVID Conscious and COVID Curious

For many years, I’ve used “weirdo” as the deepest term of endearment. I appreciate people who know, embrace, and fully express themselves regardless of what the world or others around them may be doing. To be uninhibited and step fully into oneself is also one of the most healing processes I’ve been through, personally, and that I’ve witnessed others go through in my professional life as a therapist.

Somewhere around 5 years ago, I realized that the majority of clients who had made their way to my therapy practice were misfits in various ways. Many were the black sheep in their family. They struggled to find places that felt right for them. They burned out trying to keep up with others’ expectations of them. They didn’t always see their values reflected in society. They couldn’t relate to the experiences of people who were supposed to be their peers. It was hard for them to exist in systems and spaces that weren’t made for their needs. They were unwilling or unable to conform to social or family norms.

But they were also cycle-breakers. They would not keep secrets or toe the line. They refused to minimize themselves or accept scraps. They recognized when something was wrong and dared to say it out loud. They asked questions and ruffled feathers. They didn’t settle - they advocated for something more or different, and walked away to look for it somewhere else if needed. They thought outside the box and dreamed big. And they were often creative and innovative AF - which is helpful for those of us who see ourselves in bell hooks’ definition of “queer”: “as being about the self that is at odds with everything around it and that has to invent and create and find a place to speak and to thrive and to live.”

Living as a misfit in this world is liberating and empowering, and it’s often equally as challenging and discouraging. My work with these clients (and lifelong work for myself) has involved rediscovering the authentic person underneath decades of social conditioning. Letting go of expectations that had no chance of being met. Re-attuning to that voice within that holds knowledges and uncomfortable truths others rarely validate. Excavating the interests and ways of being that got buried by our culture’s “shoulds”, checklists, and judgments. Trading self-hatred for acceptance, and accommodating limitations instead of despising them. Playing to natural strengths even when those aren’t always valued or rewarded. Learning to navigate a world that celebrates fictional weirdos like Wednesday Addams and Eddie Munson, but ridicules people in real-life who look or act similarly.

The reality is, when someone doesn’t fit with the status quo, it isn’t always well-received or celebrated by others - especially when those people, systems, or organizations have benefited from conformity. Many of us have found that in refusing to deny or contort ourselves to keep others comfortable, it can (often inadvertently) confuse or threaten others who haven’t done the work of self-acceptance – or who may be unwilling to confront realities that would require them to take accountability for harm. Perhaps some of them simply cannot re-imagine a different, better way. Loved ones, businesses, governments and other entities may cling to normalcy and “how things have always been” out of a desire for ease, inability to tolerate discomfort or uncertainty of change, or simply because the ways things have been allowed them certain privileges or advantages they aren’t willing to give up (even when those may disadvantage or harm others).

I believe to “mis-fit” is a practice, a skill, a choice, and a lifestyle. As with many things, it’s uncomfortable and something that needs to be cultivated at first. But over time, it becomes easier, even liberating, and there may even come a day when being anything other than your whole, true self is far more uncomfortable than trying to fit in ever was. There will be temptations to fit in and give in to the peer pressure, (after all, conformity is easier and is rewarded at every turn); but living life with integrity, that’s aligned with your values and needs, is rewarding in a way self-betrayal can never touch. Even so, you will still feel and grapple with the very real impacts when you cross the threshold of places that aren’t sure what to do with misfits.

…which is where Misfit Mental Health comes in…

My beloved COVID Conscious misfits, it has been a grueling, disheartening, and all-around exhausting few years. Maybe you were chronically ill or disabled before the pandemic. Or you joined those communities after developing Long COVID. Perhaps you’re the loved one of someone in these communities. Maybe you believe in and practice community care - knowing COVID impacts Black and Hispanic populations more severely, and that transgender folks experience higher rates of Long COVID. Maybe you have ADHD and know it has been associated with worse outcomes from COVID infections, or that existing mental health problems can predispose you to worsened or new mental health problems from Long COVID. Perhaps you refuse to participate in the mass dehumanization and disposal of vulnerable people because you can see that’s a slippery slope. Or maybe you simply have the most basic form of self-preservation and “self-care” and want to protect yourself from illness because you know that the risks of long-term effects from COVID increases with each infection.

Whatever the reason you remain aware and unwilling to accept the risk of post-COVID long-term conditions that have no treatment - I see you, and I know the heaviness and isolation of being the ultimate misfit in this world right now.

After 4 years of living with Long COVID, I know what it’s like to be dismissed, minimized, or not believed despite the established data on how vast and severe the long-term impacts of COVID can be. I’ve experienced the devastation of doing everything possible but getting reinfected, having my health decline further, and becoming more disabled. I’ve been on the receiving end of mockery and threats for continuing to wear a mask as I just try to live some semblance of a life. I understand the constant mental math of risk assessment for basic things like medical care when COVID is surging yet again…and watching the mind-blowing cognitive dissonance as others live as though it’s 2019 while knowingly sick, unconcerned about infecting others. I, too, have felt the pain of being left behind and forgotten, as friends become strangers and strangers become friends. Like some of you, I move through the world and feel, viscerally, that I represent a collective trauma most people are trying desperately to forget instead of process and integrate. And I know what it’s like to be gaslit, pathologized, and called crazy for *checks notes* wanting myself and others to be healthy…even as COVID continues to disable millions more people and hospitalizations and deaths have been rising for weeks.

Our decisions are guided by medical studies and loads of data (not to mention the best practices that were public health policy not that long ago) - but we’re told that it’s fear, anxiety, or paranoia. We’ve followed the evidence and researchers, who remain vigilant with masking and avoiding infections themselves. Despite what we want to be true, we know that COVID was never like the flu and carries far more risk. We know that the pandemic was never declared over even though the media and President said it was. We have watched the narrative be manipulated through the press, fueled by wishful thinking and emotional reasoning, with no actual evidence (but mounds of evidence to the contrary) - and then we’re told we have mental health problems and are being irrational. We’ve resisted society’s flight into health - a defense mechanism in which everything is suddenly “all better” in order to avoid further confrontation with uncomfortable or inconvenient truths. And we see the harm in returning to a “normal” that neglected the needs of many people when we could have chosen to integrate some of these changes and make something better.

I’ve often spoken to clients about how being more willing to mis-fit also serves as a beacon so that those who are like-minded and share our values can find us. After all, being unapologetically yourself is the only way I know to find the people and spaces where all of you is appreciated and you’re not expected to contort, minimize, or deny parts of yourself.

I want Misfit Mental Health to be a beacon for the COVID Conscious who are willing to mis-fit with a new normal of mass- infection, death, and disability. I want it to be a place for the COVID Curious, who are starting to be uncomfortable with the cognitive dissonance demanded in this “new normal”, who are piecing together that this isn’t what we were told it would be, and who believe we deserve better than constant illness and prohibitive expenses for tests and treatments. I want it to be a place for mental health professionals to better understand the realities of the virus’s lasting impact on people’s mental and physical health so that they stop pathologizing people who remain COVID Conscious, have Long COVID, or have vulnerabilities or values that do not allow a “return to normal”. I want it to be a place that starts to unravel and reckon with the collective trauma of the pandemic that we were so quick to name in 2020 but that we’ve buried and tried to ignore - to the detriment of many people and communities. I want it to be a place to think critically about systems, harm, accountability, and how we can do better once we allow ourselves to know better. I want it to be a resource and encouragement to the misfits willing to tolerate the distress that comes from living in opposition to the pressures and demands that have made many of us deeply unwell, even before COVID changed our lives.

These are big aspirations for a small space on the internet run by someone disabled by COVID whose capacity varies by the hour, and who realistically needs to prioritize things that generate income since I’m only able to work part-time. You can anticipate more writings and the occasional journal/reflection prompts. (I also hope to offer some online workshops down the road, if I don’t have a setback like last year when I got reinfected and my health plummeted for most of the year.) I’m unsure how much consistency I’ll have since unpredictable Long COVID symptoms dictate my life, but I’m committed to these goals and audiences.

Whether you join as a free subscriber, can support me with a recurring subscription, or can make a one-time donation on my ko-fi, I’m glad you’re here, and I hope you’ll join me this year.

In solidarity,

Steph